Gloria Calhoun M.Ed.
Everyone at some point in their lives have experienced some form of grief or loss. Whether it was the death of a loved one, loss of a pet, a divorce or break-up. Whatever loss you've experienced, the pain and confusion you feel and the tears you shed are normal.
Have you ever been going about your day-to day routine when something happens to spark a memory of that special someone? It could be a song on the radio, a certain smell in the air, a holiday, or something you've seen on television. You could be having a great day, then out of the blue, the tears come like a flood. No matter how hard you try, you can't stop the tears from flowing. Confusion creeps into your head that leaves you wondering, why did this have to happen? You find yourself cursing God and feeling an overwhelming sense of anger and rage. Soon you calm down, the tears stop but this time, you feel okay. These are all normal feelings. Your friends or family may feel that you should be over it by now. They encourage you to move on with life, but you feel that they just don't get it! They just don't understand how you feel and may question your reasoning.
Truth be told, you may not ever get over it. There will always be a subtle reminder, but it just becomes a little easier to cope with as time goes by.
Everyone deals with grief differently. You can be in the same family and grieving over the same person, but each family member may be at a different place in the grief process at any given time. Sadness is normally associated with grief and typically leads to tears. Whereas, joy can also lead to this response. Nonetheless, the emotions felt are real. When tears are shed, its our unique human response to what we are feeling.
Unfortunately, people are often afraid
of crying. Among men in many Western societies, crying is seen as a
sign of weakness. Boys are told, “Big boys don’t cry,” or, “Crying is
for girls.” It is okay to cry! Jesus wept on more than one
occasion. He was not ashamed to do so. Even though our society may not accept
the tears of men as being "manly," there was no greater man who
ever lived than Jesus Christ. He wept over the death of his friend Lazarus. He wept over the
coming fate of Jerusalem. He really felt as we feel. He
understands us. "For we have not a high priest that cannot be
touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but one that hath
been in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin" (Hebrews 4:15). Even if others forsake us in times of trial, he will be with us to comfort and strengthen us, to feel with us. He's been where you are and knows how you feel. That's how he's able to comfort us in our time of trouble. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
If there was purpose for Jesus' tears, then we should not be ashamed of our tears. Tears have a certain quality about them that are helpful in
releasing tension and stress toxins that have built up in your system. Stopping them would be detrimental
both to your physical and emotional health. There is a healing quality in tears that
provide a cleansing of the spirit.
There are seven stages in the grief process, but there is no right or wrong way to do so. However, if you find yourself in any one stage for too long, you should seek the help of a counselor.
- Shock- Your body's protection mechanism kicks in to protect you from being completely overwhelmed by the devastating news you have received.
- Denial -In this phase some people deny that their loved one has actually gone. Others deny that they are so deeply affected by the loss--they push their feelings away to not be overwhelmed by them.
- Anger- Anger is a natural feeling when life does not go according to plan. What we do with that anger can be detrimental. During periods of anger, a grieving person may be angry at themselves for their response to grief or because you could not do anything to prevent the death. You may be angry at God for not saving the loved one. You may also be angry at the loved one for leaving. If we stop and think rationally these feelings often don't make sense to us, but they are our feelings nonetheless and it is far better to work through them than to hold it inside.
- Guilt- We naturally take care of our family and friends and their death feels like we have failed in some way. Don’t ignore this feeling, its part of your healing process.
- Sorrow and depression- You may finally feel that you can be sad but it’s around the time other people think your grief should be ending. Sorrow is often experienced throughout the grief process, but the emotions of all the other stages of grief may overpower what you feel resulting in depression. You may feel like you can’t get out of bed and have no desire to do anything. Do not get stuck here. If you feel stuck in this stage, you may want to seek counseling.
- Acceptance- Reality has set in and you feel ready to move forward. You start to realize that you will need to find ways to enjoy life again in spite of the pain you’ve felt.
- Engaging Life- Healing continues to be worked out in your life. You will find ways to laugh and enjoy life again.
When do the tears stop? Not until they have completed their task. Weeping lasts but for a night. Your joy will come again.
